Cut price Karl

Another day, another affordable designer collaboration. Have just bought these 'pants' from the new Karl Lagerfeld collection at Net-a-Porter. God, this internet shopping is terrifyingly easy isn't it? I hope they fit. Being a 5"2 'pear', I'm wary of trousers. I won't style them like this though. Such ugly shoes! I imagine them with a tucked in white shirt, traditional courts and some 80's style costume jewellery. Incidentally, Net-a-Porter gives you a choice of posh branded or plain packaging, so you can sneak stuff in under your husband's nose. Genuis!

Cruising

Got this fruity cardie from Versace's new Cruise collection. Wanted some earrings and the charm bracelet too (check out the Versace logos on the strawberry!), but they'd already gone. Last time, the jewellery didn't interest me at all, but I'm loving the pretty detail on this new stuff. If I wait 2-3 months, these pieces will be reasonable on eBay. It's ignorant of the journos to say "the website's crashed". That just suits their way of talking. What's actually happening is that not everyone can shop at once, so you just have to keep refreshing. It's like trying to get through to Saturday Swap Shop! Anyway, that's it now folks! Donatella's done with us proles.

Fascinating

So glad to hear the ubiquitous fascinator will henceforth be banned from the Royal enclosure at Ascot: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-16607875

On the other hand, I hate any kind of style facism, and I can see why they've become so popular. If you still want to make like one of the lower orders, head to Fascination for some bespoke plumage.

The Global Shopping experience

Have you seen Net-a-Porter Live? It's mental. A constantly rolling list of world-wide purchases as they're made, with shopping bags popping up around a world map. As I type, there are some 20,000 shoppers online. Maison Martin Margiela ankle boots, purchased by someone in Athens for £540, in a country we are told is in economic meltdown. A £3,725 Oscar De La Renta silk chiffon gown ordered by a wealthy Roman, whose life is so far removed from my own that she may as well be on another planet. A £360 Milly tote on it's way to Kazakstan. And any number of items wending their way to the Arab world, where their owners probably won't even wear them in public. It's mid January for God's sake. I thought everyone was mean't to be skint? The web is a truly remarkable place.

Botanical beauty

Isn't this botanical themed number by Dries Van Noten just heavenly? I just want to dive into this print. Oh God. I'm so depressed. DVN dresses cost about £800. Work sucks. I'm fat and poor. Had a run in with my boss. I 'do myself no credit' apparently (a favourite line of his). Have seriously considered cutting out desirable life size objects from the pages of Vogue (such as watches and earrings) and laminating them, in order that I might 'own' them....like an Art project.

Rubbed up the wrong way

Hello! And a Happy New Year to you. This dress just arrived from Asos. Described as 100% Polyester, it is in fact...rubber. It looks like a beaded wetsuit. I was sweating like a pig just putting it on. I'm going to have to return it. Not even I can get away with fetish gear in the workplace. And it's very unkind to my post Christmas tum.