The Understudy Fashionista - fashion from the wings

Cut price Karl

2012-01-25T15:50:00.003Z

Another day, another affordable designer collaboration. Have just bought these 'pants' from the new Karl Lagerfeld collection at Net-a-Porter. God, this internet shopping is terrifyingly easy isn't it? I hope they fit. Being a 5"2 'pear', I'm wary of trousers. I won't style them like this though. Such ugly shoes! I imagine them with a tucked in white shirt, traditional courts and some 80's style costume jewellery. Incidentally, Net-a-Porter gives you a choice of posh branded or plain packaging, so you can sneak stuff in under your husband's nose. Genuis!

Cruising

2012-01-19T10:28:00.003Z

Got this fruity cardie from Versace's new Cruise collection. Wanted some earrings and the charm bracelet too (check out the Versace logos on the strawberry!), but they'd already gone. Last time, the jewellery didn't interest me at all, but I'm loving the pretty detail on this new stuff. If I wait 2-3 months, these pieces will be reasonable on eBay. It's ignorant of the journos to say "the website's crashed". That just suits their way of talking. What's actually happening is that not everyone can shop at once, so you just have to keep refreshing. It's like trying to get through to Saturday Swap Shop! Anyway, that's it now folks! Donatella's done with us proles.

Fascinating

2012-01-18T10:43:00.003Z

So glad to hear the ubiquitous fascinator will henceforth be banned from the Royal enclosure at Ascot: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-16607875

On the other hand, I hate any kind of style facism, and I can see why they've become so popular. If you still want to make like one of the lower orders, head to Fascination for some bespoke plumage.

The Global Shopping experience

2012-01-17T11:18:00.009Z

Have you seen Net-a-Porter Live? It's mental. A constantly rolling list of world-wide purchases as they're made, with shopping bags popping up around a world map. As I type, there are some 20,000 shoppers online. Maison Martin Margiela ankle boots, purchased by someone in Athens for £540, in a country we are told is in economic meltdown. A £3,725 Oscar De La Renta silk chiffon gown ordered by a wealthy Roman, whose life is so far removed from my own that she may as well be on another planet. A £360 Milly tote on it's way to Kazakstan. And any number of items wending their way to the Arab world, where their owners probably won't even wear them in public. It's mid January for God's sake. I thought everyone was mean't to be skint? The web is a truly remarkable place.

Botanical beauty

2012-01-12T12:43:00.006Z

Isn't this botanical themed number by Dries Van Noten just heavenly? I just want to dive into this print. Oh God. I'm so depressed. DVN dresses cost about £800. Work sucks. I'm fat and poor. Had a run in with my boss. I 'do myself no credit' apparently (a favourite line of his). Have seriously considered cutting out desirable life size objects from the pages of Vogue (such as watches and earrings) and laminating them, in order that I might 'own' them....like an Art project.

Rubbed up the wrong way

2012-01-04T10:34:00.004Z

Hello! And a Happy New Year to you. This dress just arrived from Asos. Described as 100% Polyester, it is in fact...rubber. It looks like a beaded wetsuit. I was sweating like a pig just putting it on. I'm going to have to return it. Not even I can get away with fetish gear in the workplace. And it's very unkind to my post Christmas tum.

Click for Versace

2011-11-17T11:46:00.013Z

My index finger went into overdrive at around 9am this morning, as I prepared to try and nab myself some Versace for H&M. I'd toyed briefly with the idea of travelling up to London (where the full collection was available at three stores), but it wouldn't have worked. The chap at the head of the queue had been there since 5pm yesterday apparently, and only the first 280 were issued with wristbands that allowed them a brief but orderly-ish 10 minute grab in groups of 20. Well done H&M for avoiding a pitched battle. With patience and perseverance, I managed to purchase five items online. The website kicked me out repeatedly, and I had to secure one item at a time. At about 09:30, and after about 2000 refreshes, I surmised it had crashed entirely, but then - joy! - I got in again, and quickly snapped up half a dozen items, my palms sweating, three of which had been 'greyed out' by the time I got to the checkout. I'm nevertheless very happy. I'm particularly enamoured of the quilted jacket. I told hubby that I was aiming to sell this stuff on eBay, but in fact there's probably only one item I might part with (the rivet skirt). As you can see, my main preoccupation is with the loud 90's style prints. I'm not averse to trying to make a bit of money on the world's favourite auction site, but one has to applaud H&M UK's tactics (only one of any given item and plenty of instore security to ensure no one jumped the queue). It's clearly not fair on those in Dubai and Beijing, who queued for 24hours only to find the first few shoppers had swept through like a plague of locusts. The UK's approach gave a large number of (determined) shoppers the chance to buy at RRP. Mind you, we are a nation of queuers. It's very ingrained in us, no matter how desperate we are. Get the full lowdown here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2062599/Versace-H-M-collection-Donatella-greets-desperate-shoppers-website-crashes.html
Update 28/11: Well over a week and I've only just got a text to confirm that my items are on their way. Bloody hell. Collection will be out of fashion by the time it arrives!

Prada gives you wings

2011-10-06T13:01:00.003+01:00

A Prada shoe is a thing of beauty. A quick Google tells me that the Greek God Hermes and the Roman God Mercury both had winged feet. Shortly to be gracing the feet of stylish mortals.

Stack 'em high

2011-10-05T13:32:00.000+01:00

Design your own ring stack at Daisy Jewellery. I like the ones named after London districts/places. Then see what your stack looks like on and pick an OPI nail colour for good measure. Then use the 'send to a friend' function and forward to your husband. So he won't have to think about what to get you for at least three years. Then get back to work...

Walk like an Egyptian

2011-09-28T15:15:00.004+01:00

Loving Topshop Unique's wholesale raid of ancient Egyptian imagery in their latest collection. It's early 90's Hip Hop style spliced with hieroglyphs, scarabs and gold plated hair. The gold leaf was apparently stuck down with honey. Bet that took a while to wash out. I especially want the Liz Taylor as Cleopatra sweatshirt.

Hot Diggity!

2011-09-26T13:17:00.004+01:00

I've not got time for a full show report at the mo, but I did want to show you this hot from the catwalk pepper print dress from D&G's S/S 2012 collection. Hot, hot, hot! And a nice twist on last Summer's fruit themes.

Peridot!

2011-09-16T16:29:00.002+01:00

Chanel have done it again. Just when you thought every conceivable nail colour had been formulated, they've created another cult shade. This time it's a shimmering gold/blue/green called Peridot (like the gemstone). It puts me in mind of a beetle's wings.

Tribal dance

2011-09-07T10:35:00.002+01:00

Nicole Richie's really proven herself as a designer. I've got her cult 'horseshoe' pendant, and although she costs a bit more than Accessorise, you can feel the quality. I was made for these tribal drop earrings from her latest collection ($100). I've only been able to find them on a US website so far - Shop the Trend - who, incidentally, have a huge House of Harlow back catalogue.

Quick fix fashion at its best

2011-09-03T10:53:00.007+01:00

I went into Dorothy Perkins and they had racks and racks of cheap new season dresses in jewel colours. They were fairly flying off the shelves. I played safe with the black one here (£22). Tempting to snap up ten, but I had to resist. Uber flattering, with a touch of the VB's. It'll be interesting to see if it keeps it's shape. You can't fling a real Victoria Beckham frock in the washing machine 'cause your kid's just smeared his dinner on it.

2011-08-29T14:35:00.001+01:00

I snapped up this gorgeous summer frock with it's McQueen-esque print from House of Fraser yesterday (Label Lab, £70)...and Summer promptly ended. No matter. Looks just as good with a roll-neck and 60 deniers. Incidentally, here's a hint for winter tights: pop a quick stitch of brightly coloured thread inside the waistband so you'll always wear them the same way round...or by February the ankles will be bobbled all to hell.

Kate in Canada

2011-07-06T13:31:00.010+01:00

Kate and Wills look so loved up it makes me wistful. Still, I expect it's easy to be loved up when you've got minions pandering to your every need. Yes, I know that their retinue is notably smaller than that of Prince Charles, who is famously rumoured have a bloke who loads his toothbrush with paste, but it's still a life of luxury. If they were both juggling jobs, a home business and getting by on three days of nursery a week because they couldn't afford five, and they'd been together since 1997, they wouldn't spend so much time beaming at each other. Ahem. He would be quite dishy if it wasn't for that bloody bald patch, which pretty much ruins everything. Still, compare these pictures to early images of Charles and Diana on their first tour, in which she looks terrified, and he barely acknowledges her.

Kate is travelling around Canada with a personal hairdresser, but she continues to rewear old favourites, which gets my thumbs up. This idea that you should never be seen in the same outfit twice seems old fashioned now, and increasinly unethical. So she teamed her white Reiss engagement dress with a maple leaf hat, and brought along a bird print Issa first worn back in 2007, and again on the eve of her wedding. She's showcased two pieces by Canadian designer Erdem Moralioglu and borrowed a maple leaf brooch from the Queen. Despite a couple of forays into purple and grey, there's a very definite red, white and blue theme. She's still a misguided devotee of shiny tights. She needs those matt 'make up for your legs' ones. She can't eschew them entirely, despite having the legs for it, because she's royal. Total cost of her Canada wardrobe a 'mere' £40K.

I've saved the best till last! Add What Kate Wore to your favourites, a dementedly detailed fansite which slavishly identifies everything the Duchess dons, right down to her earrings!

Well Hello Mr Hince

2011-07-05T14:27:00.000+01:00

Forget Ms Moss. Who is that lovely looking chap she's marrying? It's Jamie Hince, unrecognisable after a wash and brush up...and possibly a detox too. He must be a total caner to look as rough as he usually does. My new weird crush.

That's a bit steep

2011-07-04T19:16:00.001+01:00

I had a 'Steep Clean' Facial today at the Bliss Spa in London. £183. I know, I know! Absolutely shocking. My husband made a joke that he would have given me one for free. Boom, boom! Here's what they do: Microdermabrasion, an oxygen wrap, deep pore purging, massage, an arnica-based calming mask, and a targeted task mask to keep breakouts at bay. Recommended twice yearly or more often for ‘problem’ skin types. Feel guilty but fabulous. For the record, 'deep pore purging' is having someone squeeze your blackheads.

Smile like you mean it

2011-07-03T14:11:00.000+01:00

I have no idea what The Saturdays sound like. But Molly King terrifies me. She's never pictured without that bright, glassy smile, which never reaches her eyes. She is Pap ready at all times. I reckon she sleeps like that. She is surely an alien fembot? Still, maybe I'd have a 24/7 fixed smile if I was dating David Gandy.

Ropey

2011-06-10T11:03:00.001+01:00

At half term I bought this Rope print dress from Whistles (that's not me wearing it silly!!). A week later, it's sold out. I'd wear it every day if I could. With a black blazer and my white French sole pumps I'm very Pippa Middleton.

Glossybox

2011-06-09T09:32:00.005+01:00

This is so clever and appealing. Sign up to the Glossybox scheme and for a tenner a month you'll be sent five generously sized, high-end and brand new beauty product samples, beautifully packaged and with free delivery. Jut the thing to cheer you up on a weekday morning! There are thousands of lotions and potions on the market and I'm a total sucker for them. If you particularly like something, you can go out and buy the full size version. This is evil genius marketing. It's easy to use the same product for years, but what if you can find something better? I only graduated to tinted moisturiser last year after deciding that traditional foundation was too heavy for Summer.

Whatever happened to the Understudy Fashionista?

2011-06-08T11:37:00.011+01:00

This is such a pity. I stopped blogging. Life got in the way. I let it lapse because no one reads it, but it was never supposed to be about ratings. It was just a bit of fun. Like millions of others, I enjoy spewing pointless dribble on a pointless subject into the blogosphere. I've missed whole trends! So here's a brief roundup of the things that have caught my eye since February:

As I'm sure you're aware, Summer's a bit fruity. The Stella McCartney prints are my favourites. There are any number of highstreet copies available. The best I've seen is this £52 dress by South at Littlewoods. The trend also translates well into footwear. My inner teenager is longing for these Lemon print converse trainers, and you're bound to have seen these bananas heels by Charlotte Olympia. Future classics.

And talking of all things bananas, check out these lipstick heeled beauts by Alberto Guardiani (£261). They were in Vogue a couple of months ago. Look after them! I don't think your local cobbler/key-cutter is going to be able to fix them once they've worn down. How gloriously impractical!

Princesses Beatrice and Eugene both looked ghastly at the Royal Wedding, and were sat directly behind the Queen, thus grabbing the world's attention for all the wrong reasons. But Bea turned the whole press debacle on it's head by auctioning her Philip Treacey hat for charity on eBay, and raising not only her profile, but £81,000. Variously likened to an octopus, toilet seat or turkey twizzler, the hat even has it's own Facebook page. Her Mum was repeatedly lambasted by the press for her poor fashion sense in the late 80s (which clearly took some doing), so it's something of a tradition really. Bea has since hired a stylist and been papped looking fabulous and thin. What a shame.

Look closely. They're actual chandelier earrings, complete with candles. And I want them. $200 from Jib & Genoa.

I'm spitting with envy at the residents of New York, who are currently able to feast their eyes on the Metropolitan Museum's most popular ever exhibition: Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty. He was British! Why didn't the V&A stage this? There is talk of it coming to London however. The show was launched on May 2nd with the most extravagant Met Ball ever. The pictures look insanely tantalising. Problem is, I've been to shows before where due to sheer numbers, I couldn't get a good look at the exhibits. I've got a plan though. In the late 90's, I worked at the V&A as a warder. I still know a few people there. Maybe I can pull a few strings and have a look round when it's closed! And no, you can't be my friend.

We've all been there. But most of us don't have to contend with an audience of millions when we choose the 'wrong' skirt. Poor Michelle Obama fought to defend her modesty a few weeks ago when a typically blustery British Summer squall threatened to reveal her knickers during an official welcoming ceremony. Every woman watching felt for her, although I'm sure she wasn't wearing her 'period' knickers...and she's probably got thighs of steel. The Queen, it would appear, has weights sewn into her hemlines to avoid such wardrobe malfunctions. Who knew?

Life's a Beach at Primark

2011-02-02T15:12:00.004Z

It may be so cold outside that I can hardly bear to go and get lunch, but smart shoppers flocked to Primark last week to snap up this Pradaesque 50's style 'Beach Scene' frock for a mere £17! I wasn't quick enough off the mark, so I had to go to eBay for mine. Prada fan Carey Mulligan is pictured here in the real deal.

The Golden Globes 2011

2011-01-19T11:18:00.019Z

The Golden Globes were a refreshing mix of pinks, nudes, and emerald greens.

Girl of the moment Natalie Portman is glowing, swathing her bump in Viktor & Rolf. The red accessories are a bit matchy-matchy though.
Love Scarlett Johansson's gravity defying hair. Any only SJ could make nude look so riotously sexy.
Brown is not an obvious choice for the Red Carpet, but Marchesa is. I suspect Oliva Wilde will always remember wearing this fairytale creation.
Sandra Bullock looks a little wan. And her hair is flat.
Surrogacy is just such weird science. Here's Nicole Kidman, rake thin after the birth of her second child, 100% hers and her husband's, but carried by someone else. If it's the safest option, then I'm not criticising it. It's just...so strange. Style wise, she's getting into a Jennifer Aniston type rut. Change the record!
Zac Efron renders himself instantly ordinary with this severe haircut. Suddenly, he looks like he works at KwikFit.
For a blancmange, this is quite successful Lea Michelle.
A sartorial triumph for Justin Bieber. Being a teenager, it's only right and proper than he should accessorize his D&G suit with patent teddy boy shoes.
I wasn't going to include Mila Kunis, as her dress is neither good nor bad. But get this: she treated herself to the HD Diamond and Ruby Peel facial beforehand, a snip at $7,000. And she didn't even win (she was up for Best Supporting Actress).
Emma Stone looked really cute in peachy, pared back Calvin Klein. But she was quoted as saying "I am so bored. This is the worst. Yuck. I am so going home. No, I am!" Well go on then, you ungrateful little witch. Mind you, I wouldn't wish several hours of Ricky Gervais on anyone.
And talking of witches, Angelina Jolie scored her usual RC hit. I wouldn't have guessed this jewel like green gown was Versace; it's surprisingly demure. But do stop clinging onto Brad and flashing that false smile Ange. No one's that loved up after six years and six kids. Anyway, I think you can let go of him now. No one wants him any more.
Christina Hendriks is on fire! Best outfit of the night and she knows it. Shockingly good.
Co-star January Jones tries the same approach, but just looks tarty. Too much titty. Christina, being famously well endowed in that department, has sensibly put them away, drawing the eye away from them with her massive corsage.
I just want to grab Megan Fox by the hair and frogmarch her down to Macdonalds. Didn't she used to be voluptuous? And that Marilyn tattoo on her arm is so crap.
Heidi Klum in Marc Jacobs. I hated this collection. Bleurgh. The only reason she doesn't look worse is because she's a goddess.
It's creased and cerise! And it clashes horribly with red. Julianne Moore gets it wrong in Lanvin.
Kelly O's in Zac Posen is elegant and suitably strange.
Helena Bonham-Carter doesn't really count, as she's an English Eccentric. Bird's Nest hair, John Lennon shades and mis-matched shoes. I expect nothing less.
Anne Hathaway looks about 7ft tall in no nonsence Armani Prive. And it's got a delectable scoop back too. The other fishtails are left floundering in her wake.
Angelic Diana Agron in J.Mendel. The black nails add the subtlest of edges. Everyone was sporting black nails. Who would have thought it a few years ago, which black nails were the preserve of angst ridden teenagers? Even Chanel do one now.
Halle Berry's get up is very odd. Underwear and a sarong. Not her finest hour.
Christina Aguilera just wants to remind us that she's on the market again. Pure Brass.
CJZ in Carpetright. Oh, sorry - it's Monique Lhullier. Great colour though. Works beautifully against the red, and against her pale skin.
Leighton Meester's unusual choice has really grown on me. It's no show-stopper, but it's pretty and clever and ladylike. The fashion forward girls were covering their arms.

Nerves of Steel

2011-01-18T19:51:00.004Z

I love the new trend for silver lips. But I've not got the nerve. Why do we only use 'warm' colours on our mouths? One theory suggests that we want to subconciously remind men of our lady bits, but how does that explain purple? Well mine aren't purple. I don't know about yours. Even gold is completely acceptable. But silver. That's fancy dress. Black nail polish has joined the mainstream however, so I remain hopeful. Try Illamasqua for daring make-up.

The Cosmic Joker

2011-01-09T20:53:00.002Z

I know it's been a bit quiet on the Fashion Front lately. I've had the flu and I've got no money. I just shoved my hair up off my neck with a cheap plastic clip (it's 9pm) and Lo! It's settled into the most perfect chignon, complete with a few insouciant loose strands, so it doesn't look too 'try hard'. This would never in a million years happen in the morning. Grrr.

Ringing in the changes

2011-01-01T10:41:00.003Z

I need more rings. I'm going to wear loads of them at once, like a batty old lady. I've even thought about - gasp! - removing my wedding band to make way for this new aesthetic. Here's a good place to start. Daisy Knights silver feather ring, £195 at Net-a-Porter.

A right royal mess

2010-12-10T11:31:00.004Z

Christina Aguilera's hair (bleached to within an inch of it's life) looks like it's been petrified in her new ad campaign for 'Royal Desire' perfume, which incidentally is a name only an American could believe classy. For us Brits it just conjures up unwelcome memories of Prince Charles wanting to be a tampon. Aristocratic sexual practices don't bear thinking about generally. Look at the Marquis de Sade.

Frozen

2010-12-09T11:42:00.001Z

Future generations will wonder at our penchant for Botox. It will join that list of grisly historical fashions that seem so inexplicable to more enlightened civilisations, like the Japanese court colouring their teeth black, or pre-revolutionary lead based face powder, or foot binding, or the Victorian 'ideal' of a 14 inch waist.

Look at Kylie Minogue and Madonna in the last week, both good looking women and generational icons now on a mission to ruin their looks. The look like they've had an allergic reaction. I'm 35 now, and my face is a little more 'contoured' than it was, my lips a little thinner. I've got lines on my forehead that don't go away when I stop frowning. But when I saw this shot of Kylie in a magazine from a distance, I thought it was the infamous Bride of Wildenstein. How sad that these two fabulous women can't see that aging gracefully is much more attractive.

Stylish in the snow

2010-12-02T12:05:00.004Z

When you're a kid, snow is brilliant. All you have to do is go out and play all morning, then come back for soup and sandwiches, then watch videos all afternoon. But when you're an adult, it's just a pain in the arse. I've been at home with my two year old for three days, and delightful as this is, I'm getting a bit worried about the work that's building up now. And I was supposed to be going on a piss up with some old friends up in London tonight. That's out of the question. Still, look at my beloved Marc Jacobs Wellies covered in snow, just like regular wellies! If they had a mind, they'd be highly indignant.

Lanvin for H&M

2010-11-25T11:09:00.006Z

I don't actually rate the Lanvin for H&M collection everyone's been fluttering over, which is just as well, as it was an instant sell out when it went on sale on Tuesday. But I do like the beehived little old lady in the ad campaign!

Yes!

2010-11-24T12:47:00.008Z

What a magical place the web is for the fashion junky! I've just discovered Yesstyle, the online marketplace for Asian fashion brands. It's a bit untidy, and you have to wade through a lot of crap to find the good stuff, but good stuff there is. Some of the 'plus size' brands might actually fit me, and if not, there's always the accessories. Most items are given their own fashion shoot, with a dozen gigantic pictures to download. Almost everything is modelled too, so the clothes don't leap out at you like they do on sites like Net-a-Porter. That the models tend to be of the simpering, cutsey variety is also off putting. They all look about 12, and gaze upwards winningly like Chinese Shirley Temples. 59th Street's Girls at Work range claims to bring a 'girlish charm' to the workplace. Sod that. I went to Japan, and the female commuters were all achingly fashionable and elegant, but none appeared to be much over 25. They all disappear into the marital home as soon as they've snared a husband, 1950's style. The prices are helpfully translated into sterling, but the best bit is the slogans, all apparently run through one of those free online translators and hence utterly nonsensical to the English speaking ear.

South Korean designer Catherina Park So Jung (trading as Catherine Marie) worked for MaxMara and Un Deux Trois in Paris. I love this chunky, layered skirt with elasticated hem, £92.44. Asians can do chunky clothes because they themselves don't tend to be.
Try to ignore the mustard coloured roll-neck. This handy overskirt from S.Korea's Redopin (Hollywood Paparazzi fashion!) is also available in black, and would work well over a casual skirt or leggings, regardless of season, £31.23.
I've never seen sheer tights like this before. Hong Kong's Shy Shy have a bonkers range of wacky hosiery. Also digging the cobwebby ones. £9.37 each.
Now this is a scarf and a half! There's a lot of knitwear on Yesstyle. I suppose large parts of Asia do in fact get cold. From S.Korea's Sunbijou (Oh! Womanhood having something little to become myself!), this fringed beauty is £29.98.
The British high street just isn't brave enough to take on the extreme sharp shoulder in it's purest form. The Chinese have no such inhibitions, and this one goes up to a 38" bust. From TikTak, £67.46.
Asians are very into their quilted outerwear. This hooded bodywarmer is reversible to boot. £28.41 from China's HuaYuzhilu.

How can I put this?

2010-11-23T11:30:00.004Z

Husband dearest. I've tried referring you to my blog for Christmas present ideas. You say everything costs thousands. I've asked you outright for this Imogen Belfield ring. You say why can't I choose something normal? You like to have lots of windows open at once. I've tried opening another window on your laptop with a picture of said ring whilst you're in the toilet. I don't think you noticed. I've tried leaving a humourous newspaper article about buying presents for women where you'd see it. You did see it, but you didn't realise I'd left it there on purpose. I know the world of high fashion is a closed book to you, but if you do happen to see this:
I WANT THIS RING. I WANT THIS RING. I WANT THIS RING. HERE IS THE LINK. THANKS.

Touchy feely

2010-11-22T11:48:00.000Z

iGloves! With little panels of "eLink Fabric" on the index fingers and thumbs. On both gloves, so suitable for both right and left handers. So you can operate your touch screen phone without having to take them off every two minutes of course! Do keep up. Echo Design Touch gloves, £25 at John Lewis.

It's almost heroic

2010-11-09T15:44:00.003Z

She's carved out a place for herself amidst the safe, chic fashion elite, resplendent as a peacock in a sea of beige and black. I used to think "Who is that crazy, scrawny looking woman with the hatchet face?", but now I rather like Anna Dello Russo, who'd rather be fashionable than cool, and was once described by Helmut Newton as a 'fashion maniac'. How can you not let a woman in gigantic feathered puff sleeves onto the front row? (notwithstanding that she's editor at large at Japanese Vogue). This isn't the silly, attention seeking of GaGa; what's obvious is that she just adores fashion. I like the way she lifts looks straight from the catwalk, without feeling she has to water them down. Check out her blog here. Now there's a well placed blogger.

Autumn leaves

2010-11-04T15:33:00.007Z

The Autumn leaves seem especially colourful this year. They're abundant where I park my car in the mornings, and I always get this romantic notion of kicking through them. But I worry in case I tread in a hidden dog turd. So I stick to the pavement. It's free to park because there is an avenue of trees along this stretch of road and in the Summer your car gets splattered with bird shit. It's still better than paying though.

Anyway. Nothing could be more appropriate to the season than this gorgeous 'Fallen Leaves' charm necklace by Tatty Devine. Inspired by London's iconic plane trees, it's a perfect piece of bonkers British costume jewellery.

Ghastly fashion

2010-10-31T15:48:00.002Z

Hobbyists like me never get anywhere in the Blogosphere. Fashion bloggers in particular are the most vacuous, deluded, inconsequential and downright boring tribe of all. There are quite literally millions of us, spouting crap and bad grammar about a world of utter irrelevancy that is, at it's upper levels, closed to us. We just like cutting and pasting pretty pictures really. No one reads this, but I still enjoy doing it.

So in the spirit of anti-fashion, here's the very worst of S/S '11. Wear and be damned.

Greaseball hair was a recurrent theme. Models at Jill Stuart (NY) sported week old Croydon Facelifts, and Romina Karamanea's girls (London) had definitely not just stepped out of a salon. And Oh God. The Mullet is making a comeback. It's all Joan Jett's fault. This ain't gonna catch on. And we're not talking about experimental young designers here. The hideousness was out of control at Jean Paul-Gaultier (Paris) and Marios Schwab (London). There was also a stupid looking fellow at Balenciaga (Paris).

Now I like the current glam/goth dark lips and pale complexion thing. Tans? They're just not fashionable. Like all fashion statements, heavy make-up also repels and confuses men, which I also like doing. But it's a perilous, high maintenance trend. You need a hand mirror and lip brush on you at all times, and you may as well wipe it off completely before eating. It was everywhere for S/S '11, even though these are supposed to be Summer collections. It worked at Ungaro, but elsewhere, the stalking models looked at bit, er, reanimated. And again, we're talking about the big fashion houses: Marc Jacobs, Louis Vuitton and YSL:

Charlie Le Mindu (London) is a milliner. So to keep the emphasis on the hats, he sent some of his models down the catwalk starkers. And I didn't like it. It seemed...misogynistic. Ga Ga is a client apparently, but what normal woman wants a wine bottle on her head? Or a dress which makes her look like she's grown an extremely long and luxuriant beard?

Now this is exactly the sort of rubbish which fashion editors gush over, and the rest of us think: WTF?? If you really want to, you can read the hopelessly inane review of Maison Martin Margiela's latest collection (Paris) at Vogue UK. Or you can just take a cardboard box and wrap it in a bin bag. Presto! As for those stupid trousers... They look like one of those weight loss adverts, where a guy wears his old jeans to show you how much circumference he's lost.

Ha ha. The Guys always come off worst in fashion don't they? Thom Browne sent his hapless chappies out dressed as astronauts, who then disrobed to reveal a range of really nasty shorts suits and gold lipstick. Misapplied, natch. Who the hell buys into this look? How does the guy make a living?

And to finish, here's the worst of the rest. It just says it all really doesn't it? From left to right:
Like a mad aunt from a children's nightmare. Terrify young relatives with this satin gimp mask from Vivienne Westwood (Paris).
Uncomfortable, baggy looking trouser suits at Marc Jacobs (NY). Everyone knows that you only wear a scarf like that when you're trying to hide a hickey. This is now not to do 70's.
Now you've got somewhere to store all those pesky polystyrene balls when you're out: in your pants! Louise Gray (London).
I am so not lovin' it. Ashish embellished cowboy boots with Heinz Beans and Macdonalds logos (London - where else?)
Another bad dream. Junya Watanabe's girls are off to hold up a post office (Paris)

Nice hands

2010-10-06T14:30:00.003+01:00

Hey, don't my hands look good today? The polish is cheap as chips 'Miss Sporty' at Superdrug, but it goes on beautifully. The gobstopper ring is from Mango, and the skirt is vintage. Ho hum...not much to do...

Ouch!

2010-10-01T14:22:00.000+01:00

Yes, it's got something of the GCSE Level DT coursework project about it, but I still want. £95 for some safety pins suspended in perspex? Yes please! Stuff suspended in perspex is going to be huge. By Sou Brette at Kabiri.

Towering Infernos

2010-09-23T13:04:00.006+01:00

Here's Victoria Beckham at the launch of her latest collection looking pretty and elegant. But get those 6 inch platforms! Even for her, they're extreme. And look at that high shine floor - for anyone else, an accident waiting to happen, surely? But VB knows what she's doing. I suspect she wears them round the house, Carrie Bradshaw style, in order to practice. What I want to know is, what happens when she reaches an incline? The reason these are so quintessentially Victoria is because they're her own design, with a bit of help from Brian Atwood. The rose gold hue was inspired by her Rolex.

The VMAS

2010-09-20T11:54:00.001+01:00

It's been so long since I covered an Awards ceremony that 80% of the 'Faces' have changed. That's fame for you. There was plenty of enjoyably bad fashion to appease blogworld at the VMA Awards. Multi-Award winner Lady GaGa arrived tottering and swaying in head-to-toe McQueen. His infamous 'Armadillo' shoes could be glimpsed beneath her full length gown, making her look about 7ft tall. I couldn't be arsed to wear ordinary heels this morning, so one has to commend her ongoing commitment to pain and discomfort in the name of fabulousness. But GaGa was only getting started. She then donned a dress made of raw meat which provoked outrage from PETA, gushing tributes from the art world, and triggered a lively debate in the media. I think it's clever. Utter subversion. Pretty disturbing. Probably pretty smelly too but that's not the point. God knows what is. GaGa herself was wittering on about the fate of homesexuals in the forces or something. There's an interesting debate upon the stunt here. Go on Topshop: I dare you to produce a fabric version. The colour and marbling is strangely...pretty.

It's a Rave Alert! Robyn is stuck in the 90's. Mad for it. Those boots are like the ones Noddy Holder wears when he goes angling.
Blimey, this is scary. This is what happens when you have 'work' done in your 20's. The weirdly frozen Lo Bosworth shows us why the one-shoulder look is deemed a perennial fashion pit-fall in this grubby brocade number.
By and large, Ke$ha's "I'm a Rock Chick, me" get-ups leave me cold. And so does this one. But, but, but...she is wearing several of Charles Albert's superlative rings. Rather than redeeming her however, they just add to the general car-crash of bin-liner dress, artfully 'teased' show pony hair piece, and camouflage paint. I think rapper Nicki Minaj was wearing his stuff as well, but can't be sure. Sadly, she was also wearing a pink wig and and the kind of trouser suit favoured by Mel B in her Spice Girls heyday. Less is more ladies! Albert's jewellery deserves better.
This mish-mash of fabrics and textures shouldn't work. Rare also is the woman who can carry off a sheer black mesh top. These have been inexplicably fashionable for years. But hell, Roxy Olin even manages to make hers look classy!
Katy Perry, on the other hand, cocks up spectacularly. Those shoes look like they came from Asda.
It's so refreshing to see red (or in this case white) carpet gowns which go up to the neck and down to the floor. Short, strapless dresses are so samey. So here's Florence Welch with a modern take on old-school glamour. Great fringe, too.

Girl crush

2010-09-15T11:42:00.000+01:00

Oh dear. I've not had a girl crush like this since I was at school. It may have been the GQ Men of the Year Awards, with the ladies (for the most part) playing it down accordingly, but I give you Daisy Lowe in floor-length Gareth Pugh with visible bra and thickly kohled eyes. Oh, and her man Matt Smith won an award I think.

What took you?

2010-09-11T14:47:00.007+01:00

Finally, three of the high street's major players have launched their online stores. What took you so long Gap, Zara and H&M? Jeez.

Gap are placing a lot of emphasis on the 'perfect' trouser, with an easy to navigate collection of classic cuts. Personally, I wouldn't buy trousers online. For me a perfectly cut trouser (or pair of jeans) is something of a Holy Grail. I've not been really pleased with the fit of a pair of trousers since about 1998.

Cheap, cheerful and totally now, H&M shamelessly copies trends from every conceivable source and knocks them out at laughable prices. Their stores look like it's the first day of the sales all year round, so hooray for the internet. I need these McQueen-esque digital print leggings (wear with a chunky black knitted sweater). At just £14.99, they're almost too good to be true.

A muted palette of beige and grey for Zara this winter. It looks better than it sounds, with little 50's touches. This is the sort of wardrobe I will effect when I move to the country. I don't know why fashion mags always say beware of calf length skirts. I've always gotten along very well with them. I don't have much, but I do have slim ankles. Add a colour pop with scarlet shoes and you're done.

Leblas

2010-09-10T14:28:00.001+01:00

Put simply: A gorgeous ring, deserving of it's own post. I love it's clean lines. Made from ethical 18ct gold, by Leblas, £785.

Biba. Again.

2010-09-08T15:32:00.002+01:00

Cult 60's/70's label Biba has been resurrected (again) by House of Fraser, with a suitably baroque ad campaign featuring a dozily beautiful Daisy Lowe. Some of it's nice, some of it's nasty. I certainly like the pieces pictured here, but basically it's just stitching an iconic name into some nice clothes. The store's founder, Barbara Hulaniki, has no involvement now as far as I can tell. It's pretty shameless, and I resent it because it works. I probably wouldn't have noticed this range if it hadn't been so packaged.

Red Eye

2010-09-07T12:56:00.001+01:00

It should work, but it doesn't. At least not on English complexions. After all, we put every other conceivable colour on our eyelids; why not red? I've just read an article highlighting this dubious trend. Here's a prediction: you'll find your (hardly touched) red eye-shadow 18 months down the line in your bathroom cabinet, and chuck it in the bin with a disbelieving shake of the head...

Rockin' Autumn

2010-08-23T22:13:00.001+01:00

The stores are awash with gorgeous new stuff to salivate over. I'm getting rock chick with a dollop of Betty Draper.

Allsaints' signature jersey cloth is so soft and yummy. Harem style 'Gregory' skirt, £90.00
A classic poet's smock from Alexander McQueen at Selfridges. £645!!! You'll be wearing it when your 70 though. If your husband hasn't killed you...
Wildfox excel when it comes to the 'cute tee'. The sort of thing The Saturdays wear. I've never heard one of their songs but I know all about their clothes. £75 at Spoiled Brat.
These are Goddess leggings. Just don't put your big toe through the mesh bit whilst dressing. You'd be devastated. Sass & Bide, £203.50 at My Catwalk.
Oooo! This is the kind of dress Angie from Eastenders used to wear at Christmas! (Ask your Mum). Am. In. Love. French Connection, £100.
Cheryl Tweedy has been photographed in this bleach effect crop top by Whistles, but don't let that put you off. £80.00.
Berlin based Clarissa Labin's grey merino dress with it's artfully braided collar and sleeve is kinda slinky/cosy. £289 at Nina & Lola.
Ladylike gloves at Swedish label Odd Molly. Totally on trend with your wasp waist, pointy shoes and a modest beehive. Feminism? What's that?
At £74.99, did River Island really have to point out that their fur is faux? Very Chloe. Wear with Farrah Fawcett tresses and very long creme caramel trousers.
Two bargain looks from New Look: No doubt you'll spend a fair bit of time sewing the delicate chains back into place on this 'Idol' vest after catching it on things (reduced from £30 to £12). The Mark Fast style ladder knit top might end up hooking onto door handles/buttons/other people's buttons quite a lot too, but at £16, who cares?
The ultra cool Karen O models Knockout's matte nail...er...polish. $19 from Beauty.com
To quote Lorelei Lee: "I just love finding new places to wear Diamonds". This Nocturne shoulder jewellery is a case in point. £180 at Tara Lacey.
This Fannie Schiavoni chain glove is advertised in the singular, which I guess means you only get one, Micheal Jackson style. £130 at the Amelie Boutique.
Aztec print trousers by Maurie & Eve at Bunnyhug should make me shudder. But I'm having a bit of a mutton moment. £55.
A jersey tunic from Dorothy Perkins that has winter all wrapped up. Go ice skating in it! It does come with pesky silver sequins though. Snip them off. It's over. £28.00.
I especially like the top (marble effect) bangle here. It's a little bit Cavalli. But only £6.99 at H&M.
I dare you to go to a job interview in a scarlet suit. I've seen this up close and it really is the most traffic-stopingly shocking shade of orangey red. It's a keeper too. Rubens Jacket, £179 and Skirt £110 at Hobbs.
Fair Isle is back. Hooray! I've always had a soft spot for it. Givenchy, £843. Yep. For a sweater. At Stylebop.
The best winter buys are snapped up in August. It's wine coloured velvet and therefore the perfect dress to wear on Christmas Day! Accessorize with a sprig of mistletoe. Oasis, £55.
Jaw-dropping shark jaw charm by Disney Couture. £52 at Ad Hoc.
Karl Lagerfeld is a bit zombie-like, so it's fitting that Ca$hmere have cast him as a lurching 'fashion monster' on this irreverent tee. You can also have Anna Wintour with blood dribbling from her mouth. £75 at the Doll Boutique.

Rib Tickler

2010-08-18T19:56:00.004+01:00

I couldn't wait till Halloween to show you this 'Skeletor' belt by Italian luxe Goth designer Delfina Delettrez. It costs (deep breath) £2,395, but it is made of sterling silver. And it is AMAZING... So that's alright then. There are so many skull and bone motifs in fashion at the moment. It's not often this fashionista pauses for reflection, but it comes to us all in the end: we can't take our wardrobes with us.

Hyper Real

2010-08-17T16:31:00.011+01:00

Digital and photographic prints are my thing this week. I especially dig stuff with built in jewellery (this year's feathers). Having said that, there's a lot of technicolour vomit out there. Avoid the potential pitfalls with minimalism and/or monochrome.

Nude sparkle from Marc Cain.
A volcanic eruption of a dress. Do get rid of that cheap beaded panel though. River Island, £59.99
Richard Weston uses minerals, stones and fossils to inspire his digital prints. When I saw this scarf from Liberty, I thought it looked like a far away galaxy, £150.
You'll see a million high street versions of this Tom Binns jewel print tee, but they won't come close, £135 at Matches.
Prada's S/S 2010 satin pieces featured ickle sunbathers and palm trees.
I particularly like imagery of trees in winter. This top is by Ted Baker, £89.
Ouch! SimDog Safety pin tee, reduced from £60-£24 at Spoiled Brat.
Show me your teeth (there's a snarling wolf's head in this print if you look closely). Helmut Lang.
As with so many trends, this one was kick started by McQueen. At first glance it's just a nice swirly pattern, but this superlative skull and bones print jersey dress is astonishing close up. Typical McQueen subversion. £1,275 at Net-a-Porter.
Mattew Williamson's prints (he was another early exponent of the trend), make me feel a bit dizzy, but in a good way. Unfortunately most of the cheap take offs around now just make me feel sick.
It's a Mickey Mouse motif rendered in glitter balls, in case you were wondering. £45, Disney Couture at Truffleshuffle.
Smokin! This Markus Lupfer V neck is reduced from £199 to £99 at Asos.
I like these rock chick style print leggings by Emma Cook. Trouble is, they're dry clean only. Ewww... £245, Farfetch.

Objects of desire

2010-08-04T12:35:00.004+01:00

I want these shoes from the new Prada A/W '10 Mad Men inspired collection so much I might set this image as my background. Don't know what they will cost. Manuel is going to give me a call when they arrive. Finally, some pretty styles are filtering back. Shoes have been incessantly ugly for so long.

Spotify

2010-07-21T11:42:00.002+01:00

OK, so this isn't really fashion related, but I've just discovered Spotify, the web's (perfectly legal) jukebox! Find virtually any song you can think of, and listen to it in full and for free. Whole albums if you like! The free version makes you listen to a single advert every five songs or so, but I'm cool with that. For someone who spent much of her teenage years recording the Radio One Top40 countdown and then attempting to edit the cassettes so they sounded like a legitimate compilations, this is just beyond...

I've lost the art of listening to whole albums in recent years. Modern ipod and computer technology makes us jump around our playlists without ever really taking anything in. Remember the days when you had time to play a vinyl LP over and over again? So far this morning I've listened to Paloma Faith, Professor Green and the Pet Shop Boys.

Thank God for Jean Paul

2010-07-10T10:33:00.008+01:00

Sadly, the Couture shows were a bit of a let down. Vile wrinkly boots at Chanel, an overload of sickly caramel at Armani Prive (the Working Girl look for women who don't work), and tricky net curtain trousersuits with beige granny control pants clearly visible beneath at Givenchy. The crotch pictured here actually belongs to Brazilian pre-op trannsexual model Lea T; you can just about tell, but only if you're told. Cool girl, but is it exploitative to put her in an outfit which draws attention to her genitals? It's publicity baby.

On the plus side, Dior's 'flowerbomb' theme pricked my fancy, and Worth's corseted jackets, although hardly contemporary, were exquisite.

Thank heaven then for the Gaultier woman. This was the stuff of Couture dreams. His Parisiennes with their ghastly pallors and lit cigarettes were fascinating and debauched. Signature conical bra in mink? The Eiffel Tower worked into your fishnets? Queen of corsetry and perversity Dita Von Tesse? It was all delightfully rude. Oui, oui, oui!

A fool and his money

2010-07-06T11:13:00.006+01:00

Snoop Dogg apparently took over the VIP area of London's Merah Club for his after show party recently, getting his entourage to hand pick the best looking women in the club to join him. He then treated his 80 or so (exclusively female) guests to £20,000 of Armand de Brignac champagne, including a special gold-plated Methuselah (that is, a 6L bottle), whilst he sipped mineral water.

What a knob.

Whilst it's fairly unlikely that I would have been chosen as one of the favoured, I'd be torn between contempt and the opportunity to try some posh, free champagne. I think the contempt would win out though. I hope some of the girls had the sense to laugh at him in private. I'd rather have a glass of Sainsbury's Cava with a man who didn't objectify me. Incidentally girls, the term "Snoop Dogg Sexist" throws up 40,8000 results in Google. It's all terribly ironic of course. Cheers.

Laurie Lipton for All Saints

2010-07-05T12:32:00.002+01:00

I'm dying for one of Laurie Lipton's Gothic print T-Shirts for All Saints. The US born artisit uses an intense cross-hatching techinique to create her delicate and disturbing monochrome images of "ghosts, memory and madness". It's all skulls and Victoriana. The Pièce de résistance is "The Empress of Death", which depicts a skeleton posing in quasi-oriental finery and studded with dozens of Crystallized Swarovki elements. Best of all, most of them have been reduced! Maybe they're a bit too gruesome for the common taste...

Bloody fashion

2010-07-04T12:56:00.003+01:00

Of course I'm far too sophisticated to join the 'Twihard Moms'. But the stills from the new 'Eclipse' movie are mesmerising, by which I mean Edward is mesmerising (not the actor who plays him though; strangely, he doesn't do anything for me in real life). I think it's the make-up... Traditionally, Vampire Chic has been a slightly pathetic middle-class fashion niche with laughable Goth overtones, involving plenty of red satin, black lace and pewter jewellery. And it still is. I've seen a couple of cool exceptions though. But if you're over 20, approach this micro trend with extreme caution.

'My boyfriend's a vampire' Tee by Wildfox at Asos, £65. Cute on a 15 year old. Otherwise, sad.
Blood splattered plimsols, by Ju Ju Garden at Zazzle £69.25. Again, these are strictly for little girls.
This is a bit more grown up and understated; a silver 'fang' ring by London based designer Stephen Einhorn, £185.
Yes, very droll. 'Forks Washington' Tee, £23.50 at Cafe Press.
Tiny Bat necklace by Giles and Brother, £49.00 at Kabiri.
'Dripping' with appeal; Love Bite Vamp necklace, £14 from Me & Zena.

Sweaty Spanx

2010-07-03T14:57:00.001+01:00

This is genius. If you need to wear your Spanx in high Summer, get dressed in front of a fan. Much nicer.

A long day at work

2010-06-24T17:26:00.000+01:00

Wore a khaki maxi to work yesterday, with a knotted yellow cardie over the top, and was complimented by all my (female) colleagues. As I've said before, it's a very busy time of year for me, so I've no time to shave. And all the floors have been swept clean! Bonus.

Rocks

2010-06-23T15:46:00.009+01:00

Check out Charles Albert's artisan jewellery, fashioned from shells, fossils, minerals, bone and even meteorite! In fact, the Florida based designer works with over 100 different stones. I like the idea of wearing something ancient. Obviously all gemstones are ancient but when they're traditionally cut and faceted by man it's easily forgotten. Rough cut stones feel a lot more elemental. I can't find a UK stockist but there are various US based retailers who ship worldwide. Expect to pay around £100 for a bracelet.

Don't Cock a Snook at my Boots

2010-06-22T14:17:00.000+01:00

According to Heat Magazine, "wellies are so last year" and were hardly in evidence at all at the Isle of Wight Festival. Er, hello? Was this because the sun was out perchance?? They'll come back into fashion pretty darn quickly when the heavens open at Glastonbury next week...

Christina vamps it up

2010-06-21T16:26:00.002+01:00

Christina Aguilera's fashion track record is pretty dire: remember the leather chaps anyone? She's getting a lot of flack for her latest image reinvention too. On the one hand, she's accused of ripping off Rihanna or GaGa, who are widely applauded for being fashion mavericks, and on the other hand, she's back on the worst dressed lists. I like what she's got going on. I'm getting Nancy Spungun without the addiction. I'm getting Marilyn in a Mark Fast dress. And just in case you do get your divas mixed up, she's constantly wearing a bespoke 'Xtina' ring (her stage name) by Stephen Webster, whose one-off pieces start from a cool £10,000. And I know she's got the resources to hire personal trainers and dietitians, but you don't get a post-baby figure like that without serious commitment.

Put a Ring on It!

2010-06-16T16:37:00.005+01:00

Well I give up. I've been trying to find out who designed Miranda's mammouth black shell ring in SATC 2's wedding scene. And I can't (although I have discovered that the fab dress is by Brit
Julien Macdonald). This grainy image is the closest I've got (it just looks like a blob here). Actually, I don't give up. I'll get back to you...

Take it to the max

2010-06-13T10:09:00.016+01:00

Not since the days of Abigail's Party have Maxi dresses had such a moment. They cover a multitude of sins too. Why has it taken this long for them to go stellar? There's a sudden slew of them; lots more even than last week. They make perfect maternity wear too, as Colleen Rooney demonstrated at last year's Aintree in billowing Cavalli. Nicole Richie has been rocking her trademark maxis for years, showing that (with care), you don't have to be tall. So get ready for a summer of soggy hems and repeatedly having to hoick your elasticated bodice up. And beware! It's a risky one...

Start with a basic frill top maxi in black, khaki or lemon. £20 a pop at New Look. This is your starting point for some fabulous accessorising.
Colleen in Cavalli last summer.
Manhatten mist floral maxi, £286 at Stylebop.
These next two are by Manchester based label Ringspun, £60 each. Loving their signature prints.
I don't like the way this Mango bleached denim is styled here. I'd add a big tan leather belt. £59.00.
Jumbo florals and ditsy florals by Lila at Dorothy Perkins, both £30.
Nicole Richie's found her groove and stuck to it.
Fever Jersy stripe maxi, £60 at Oli
High tech floral or soft furnishings from an old people's home? You decide. Digital print at Oasis, £50
This sort of hippy dippy thing comes as second nature to Monsoon. The black and white 'Bridgette' dress is £160 and the 'Butterfly' one £55.
This is the sort of high end thing one might wear in Dubai: Roberto Cavalli, £1,100 at Net-a-Porter.
Tie dye is major. And this time around it's nice! Peacocks, £25.
Digging these graduated florals: Warehouse at Selfridges, £85.00
This takes me back. I didn't even know that Clockhouse still existed. Didn't this used to be C&A's fashion line? Anyway, this vibrant blue and white maxi is £35 at Littlewoods.
A few years ago the white cheesecloth full length skirt was the thing. They look very unfashionable now, which is a shame, as I still like mine. Update the trend with this Asos premium vintage frock, £80.00

Naughty Nautical

2010-06-12T11:50:00.000+01:00

I love it when an almost identical high street copy of a designer piece filters down to the masses. Check out this sailboat print tunic from A-Wear (often described as the Irish Topshop and now available in the UK), £25. It's not even trying to hide the fact that its based a Stella McCartney version which retailed at over £500 a year or so ago (on the right). Tee hee...!

Prada's Roman Holiday

2010-05-30T11:39:00.005+01:00

Miuccia Prada has raided her vast textile library and come up with the Prada Print Collection, an achingly cute capsule range of 50's inspired sundresses, chain bags and flats. Nipped in at the waist with gathered skirts and demure necklines, it's all very Roman Holiday. Prada fan Carey Mulligan has already been spotted at Cannes in one.

Wah Wah!

2010-05-29T19:17:00.011+01:00

I love Wah Nails. My natural nails have always been horrid and ugly. Years ago, before it was mainstream, I had my falsies done by a lady who in another time and place would have been a portrait miniaturist. Nail Art was unheard of, but she used to hand paint a French manicure using regular brushes with perfect precision, whereas now anyone can do it with an airbrush. Nowadays, I've gotta keep 'em short and functional, but I still try to paint them twice a week. I hanker a secret longing to visit Dalston's aforementioned cult nail salon, who have now secured a concession in the Oxford Street branch of Topshop, ousting the more established Nails Inc. I really admire founder Sharmadean Reid, who at only 25 has practically revolutionised a traditionally tacky (and dare I say, chavvy?) sphere and made it fashion-worthy. Their mantra is this; fun, funky nail art which isn't...er...common. It is possible! Check out these examples! There's something special about having fabulously impractical fingers, as opposed to a new top or lipstick. You can't stop flexing them. Especially if your hands are as stubby as mine, in which case the transformation is remarkable (I particularly like their deckchair stripes, rhinestone encrusted tips, multi-coloured French manicures, and marbling effects). Team with your nuttiest dress rings.

Just call me Carrie

2010-05-26T18:51:00.001+01:00

Tatty Devine's acrylic, custom-made name necklaces have become a minor cult classic for Emo kids (and big kids). You don't know my name, but let's just say I could never get a novelty pen/key-ring/door-sign with it on. Which begs the point, which SATC lady would you be? I'm Carrie. Well, a size 16 Carrie... I'm going to get all four and wear them all at once. To the cinema. I've never been to the cinema on my own before, but me and the girls have a date on Tuesday morning. Incidentally, you don't have to go for the designs here (personally, I'd make Samantha red); you can mix it up. First, choose your font. Then one of the 25 colours available. Then your dangly charm. Then you can even supersize if you wish. There's even a choice of chains, all with the distinctive Tatty Devine plectrum at the clasp. My name comes in at £27.50, but maybe you're called Jo.

Kate, actually

2010-05-23T20:32:00.008+01:00

Oh my poor neglected blog! I think about you all the time. When my little boy is smearing my new Winter Kate tunic with yogurt, or when I'm bemoaning the fact that I've got no time for Famous Dave's or sorbet nail polish. Anyway; guess what? Kate Moss for Topshop is suddenly top of my wish list. Her twelfth collection is divine, I'm bound to admit. Wear with colt-like limbs, a tan and bed hair. Check out the pistachio knickers. Why didn't we think of it before? Nice one. And I lied btw. I don't really have a WK tunic. I'm not that fabulous!

Give it some wellie

2010-05-02T20:38:00.001+01:00

I adore fashion wellies. They've become a British Summer staple. These are actually from the US, but they're the best novelty footwear I've seen so far this (festival) season.

'Storm Warning' horse motif wellies, $32 at Shopcuffs.

Dannii's looking swell!

2010-04-30T20:36:00.006+01:00

Dannii Minogue launched her fashion range, Project D, at Selfridges recently. Whilst I'm generally wary of celeb fashion ranges (the majority of them are good because they're 'ghost written' by professional designers), any woman who can look this stylish whilst six months pregnant gets my vote. And of course, Dannii famously didn't use a stylist during the X-Factor, during which she was fabulously dressed. She also made sure to include her design partner, Tabitha Somerset-Webb. She modelled one of the pieces from the collection, which, being stretchy, hasn't been adjusted to accommodate her bump. She's just coming to the end of the bit where you feel quite good and pretty and attractively fertile. Then all of a sudden you turn into a gigantic heiferlump who struggles to get out of bed for one of the ten wees you need in the night. Being about the same height as the Minogues (although nowhere near as petite), I also appreciate the feat of being small and pregnant and glamorous.

Coachella

2010-04-25T20:35:00.022+01:00

Now this is my kind of music festival. With it's manicured lawns, guaranteed sunshine and palm trees, the Coachella festival, in Indio, California represents the pinnacle of festival chic. No Hunter wellies required here (fabulous though they are).

Mischa Barton looks serene and understated, and still manages to rock yellow brogues on bare legs. Forget your idiot ex Brandon Davis; you're looking hot, whereas he's beginning to look like a middle aged Elvis impersonator.
Daisy Lowe's style secret? A succession of kooky, ugly/handsome boyfriends to act as a foil to her fecund beauty. She and Matt Smith, a.k.a. Dr Who, look effortlessly cute together. And she's so juicy when she's a little heavier. Daisy is my girl crush...as if you'd not guessed already.
Only a select few are blessed with the kind of naturally plump lips so many try (and fail) to emulate; Angelina Jolie, Mick Jagger and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. And they look even sexier with a fag hanging from them! I'm sorry but they do, although it's unfashionable to say so. It's not so much that she's amazingly dressed (although the frock is event perfect). It's more that she's spectacularly good looking and in her prime. Best give the ciggies up love, before they ruin that famous pout.
How is she doing this??? DM's and a shaven head and Agyness Deyn still manages to look fragrant and pretty. And there's nothing like a gay best friend to gain a girl fashion points.
Who would have thought that Kelly Osbourne would end up this cool? Still successfully rocking that lilac rinse and pretty boyfriend. Happiness is a good look for her.
With a name like Zooey Deschanel, this girl's got to have style. And she does: Looking fresh and retro in a simple grey frock accessorised with tambourine.
Ok: that's enough gushing. Pink looks like an irate mother on a day out in Margate, resolutely stomping along.
I'm getting a bit sick of Katy Perry's tits, to be honest. The first get up is pure Essex girl in Ibiza. The second ensemble looks like a fellow festival goer has puked up on it. And Katy, with boobs like yours, you need support! This isn't 1967.
This shouldn't work Whitney Port. On paper it's hideous; the 80's style top is fine, but the shorts look like they've been fashioned from something lurking in the storeroom of an impoverished charity shop. But it does work. Brilliantly. How intensely irritating.
The Paris Hilton guide to festival dressing: simply go to your local fancy dress shop and choose one of their woefully cheap and inaccuate Abba outfits. The downside is, you lose your deposit if you spill red wine down it. And your boyfriend will insist on hiring an afro wig and stick on handlebar moustache.
I love Dita. But she should only come out at night. She can't do casual. In evening wear, she's a siren. In daywear, she's a batty old lady on a cruise. Offence one: 30's inspired nautical is only acceptable if you're Jane Russell. Offence two: somebody in the background at a wedding circa 1987.
You know what? Peaches is looking good. She's honing her bad girl image and strutting her stuff. And with legs like that (complete with girly tats), why not? This is exactly how rock royalty should dress. Not sure about the boyfriend though P. He may be an edgy film director, but are those white socks?
Beyoncé is another girl who struggles to do 'laid back'. She also wore a T-Shirt covered with expletives for her set with husband Jay-Z. It's a little try hard. It's not many ladies can say they're actually more comfy in Versace. Those plasticky shorts look hot. And I don't mean sexy.
I don't usually like trilbys on women. But Anne Hathaway makes it work for the chilly evening with a humongous, snuggly scarf.

She Bangs!

2010-04-24T22:05:00.005+01:00

April/May/June is my busy time; it's my job. So my posts are short, sweet, and irregular. These bangles from Hobbs perfectly capture this Summer's laid back ethic vibe and would look irresistibly cool with on trend baggy neutrals. The 'Penelope' bangles are £45 the pair, and the beaten copper style 'Giselle' bangle is £49. It's a bit more than Freedom at Topshop but I think they've got the edge.

Mango in Miniature

2010-04-20T09:25:00.007+01:00

I love everything in Mango this spring. Butter soft denims, classic maxis, dynamic prints, sophisticated embellishments and 'Blackadder Goes Forth' khaki. But I tried on the military jacket pictured in 'XL', and it didn't go near me, which was really quite upsetting. I'm realistic in that I accept that I sometimes get classified as 'large', but I'm not that big.

Playing Away

2010-04-07T09:49:00.007+01:00

I was driving past a sportswear shop when I spied the new Ad Campaign for the England Football Team's Away kit by Umbro. There they all are, looking tough and brooding and noble, when in fact any right-thinking woman walking past a fifteen foot high image of John Terry feels her lip begin to curl. I guess it's not aimed at me, but rather at little boys who want to think of these spoilt, ignorant muppets as heros. What a terrific bunch of role-models. If they've not had multiple affairs or been with prostitutes then they've been done for violent affray. I'm not one to take the moral high ground; it's the arrogance of the images that bugs me. It's a photographer's vision, the players being too dim to understand how stupid and ironic these manly images appear in the present climate. And I know that as with politicians, it shouldn't be about their private lives. But it has become so, and I can't help but dislike them for it. Order your kit at The England Store.

Guilt free shopping

2010-04-06T09:02:00.005+01:00

The mighty Selfridges has gone online. And the best thing about their super high-tech website? The Wish Room! Simply browse the shop, and then drag and drop your items onto the mannequins to create various looks. It's the most fun you can have at your desk, and further evidence that women are taking over the web. Although being new, it's a little flaky in places. Now I really must get on with some work...

Spree!

2010-04-03T08:41:00.003+01:00

Just poking about....went a whole month without buying an item of apparel and am trying to keep it up. This is a very alien concept for me. Have finally paid off my credit card...with hubby's help. I want to save up for something special rather than just blowing £200 on the High Street every month.

It might make your lappy a bit of a target; indeed, who could resist swiping this Longchamp Laptop case in on trend beige? £105.
Does my bum look big in these? Of course, but with a nipped in waist you might just get away with these on trend printed floral trousers from Asos, £35. Funny how fashion comes and goes. Printed trousers have been a no-go for so long it's hard for me to accept that I might like a pair.
Manchester based Hannah makes Things' eulogy to everyone's favourite dysfunctional jazz singer, this sweetheart pendant simply reads "What would Winhouse do?", £12. Let it be your mantra! Or perhaps not...I've just remembered Blake.
Wear it again, and again, and again (if the sun ever comes out). With your denim jacket if you've got bingo wings like me. Strapless Sun Dress, £18, New Look.
You'll find an Alladin's Cave of American indie at Modcloth - They've expanded massively since I last looked. These Rainbow Road Wedges have a touch of Dorothy about them, $129.
Eh? Tesco couture? The unstoppable supermarket brand have branched into high fashion. Is nothing sacred? The 16 piece collection, which costs quite a bit more than their basic Florence & Fred range, is only available online. I'm assuming I can get points on it? Multi-Layered dress, £140.
Now this is my kind of cowgirl boot; one with a peeptoe. Another fab Topshop/designer collaboration, this time with Emma Cook, £175.
These stackable 'heartbeat' diamond rings by Matina Amanita at Maxmillia are $143 AUD each (about £86), so you need to spend quite a lot to 'get the look'. They're great though aren't they? - perfect for fidgets!
This dusky pink tunic caught my eye: €29.95 from Only.
Now a ladder in one's tights is just plain irritating, but this sweatshirt by Cheap Monday is simply ripping! $64 at Nasty Gal.
Pink again? What's come over me? It must be spring. Karla Spetic's candy coloured knits are the perfect trans-seasonal purchases. $340 AUD from Maximillia.
Perfect bob? Check. Huge sunnies? Check. Anna Wintour Fan Club bag? Oh yes! Only to be worn with your stoniest expression. By Naco Paris at Urban Outfitters, £50.
There are some fab 70's inspired evening maxis available now; this silhouette is no longer confined to the sun-dress. This is very Nicole Richie. An unexpected delight from Oasis, £80.
Now if I bought this fire-engine red two piece by Jaeger London I wouldn't look like a Studio 54 goddess like Lara Stone; I'd look like a beef tomato. Sigh. £350 the lot. Steer clear unless you're 5"10 or over.
Another good spring buy; Miso rough lace scarf, £19.99 at Republic.

The Jacket that never was

2010-03-30T11:03:00.006+01:00

Usually, when the weeklies feature a particular high street garment, it will turn up instore about two weeks later. Occasionally however, they include something which never materialises (Geddit?). The red woollen Dorothy Perkins dress I talked about in my post about spikes never became available (I saw it in Closer; I've got a secret penchant for reading about trannies, incest, Jordan's psychologicial state and the Sunderland Shagger), and I waited outside New Look when Giles did his first collection for them with my heart set on a jumbo jewel print dress which I'd seen in Grazia; no sign of it. So where oh where is this fab military denim jacket from Guess? (seems like weeks since I saw it, also in Grazia). C'mon. I'm waiting.

Oh Pollocks!

2010-03-22T10:36:00.009Z

Time to get creative. This paint daubed Alexander McQueen denim mini is $635. So here's what to do in remembrance of the great man. Buy some fabric paints from these guys (iron fast onto any natural fabric, £4.65 each) and a plain skirt, and make your own. Practice on an old denim item first, using sponges, Pollockesque dribbles and your fingers to re-create the look. The Understudy Fashionista accepts no responsibility for cock-ups.

Total recall

2010-03-21T09:22:00.004Z

If you're of a certain age (it's my 35th Birthday today!), you may recall an ingenious device in the futuristic sci-fi movie 'Total Recall', where a lazy receptionist is able to instantly change the colour of her nails with an electronic palette of colours. So if you've always hankered after such a machine in the same way as you might a robot butler or a food replicator, check out this fun polish picker at OPI. See how any given colour will look on you by adjusting the skin tone or nail length. A complete waste of time, but mindless fun nevertheless.

The Oscars 2010

2010-03-20T21:06:00.003Z

Last year's Oscars were the subject of my first ever UF posting. I've looked beyond the ceremony itself this year, to incorporate images from the all important parties too, so it's not just about couture ballgowns. Although it still is mostly...

Best Actress Sandra Bullock (Speed, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous) made like a statuette in Marchesa. Very clever.
Penélope Cruz always looks classy. Chopard were still working on her delicate drop earrings the night before. The deep plum of her Donna Karen gown works well with her warm Mediterranean skin.
Did nominee Vera Farmiga think she'd win by any chance? Judging by this show-stopper, yes. And why not? Let's not have any false modesty here.
Quintessential Nicole Richie breaks all the rules and still manages to look event perfect in Reem Acra.
Kate Winslet with her smug face on. If I was wearing $2.5 million dollars worth of borrowed Tiffany diamonds I wouldn't look smug. I'd look terrified.
This is Natalie Portman at the pre-Oscars Soho House do, and what a brilliantly judged outfit. Like she just rifled through her wardrobe, picked out two items she'd never thought of combining before and...Bingo!
Be gentle with him Katy. Ms Perry and her cleavage are back on track with a full length gown just the right side of punky.
Zoe Saldana or a virulent decorative toilet roll holder? Brave, but unsuccessful in Givenchy. Perhaps she was attempting to smuggle someone in?
The more I look at Sarah Jessica-Parker's Chanel bedsheet (and bedhair), the less I like it. Much as it pains me to say, it's thumbs down on this occasion. Full marks for the 'oh so now' Chanel bracelet tattoo though, worn alongside a stack of actual bracelets. Very SJP.
The very natural and carefree Victoria Beckham in one of her own creations. The one which looks like it's been run over by a truck. Tee hee! Nah; she looks good.
I feel faint just looking at Miley Cyrus in this constricting corset. That rictus grin is hiding a world of pain.
Hilary Swank makes a rare boob in this revealing 'On the look-out for a footballer' style number. As for Mariah Carey, her tits are becoming stars in their own right.
This looks like a crumpled sarong fished out from the bottom of a suitcase Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Kristen Stewart tries desparately to crack a smile, and reminds us all how pretty she is. Navy suits her.
I am just loving Kelly O's Mrs Slocombe inspired lilac rinse!
Diane Kruger looks like she's been tied up.
Whoa there! I wouldn't like to be in J-Lo's stylist's shoes right now. She and Amanda Seyfried turned up in perilously similar gowns from the same Armani Privé collection.
Elizabeth Banks (in grey) and Demi Moore (in peach) show how to do frothy on the Red Carpet. These colours work so well against it. Demi is also wearing a fabulous grey polish on her toes.
Carey Mulligan brought her own cutlery! Her Prada dress is adorned with little scisscors and forks. She gets away with it, just, as she is quirky and elfin and British.
Anna Kendrick is other-worldly in this barely pink creation which matches her skin tone beautifully. The spray tan is losing it's all encompassing grip.

Danger: Double Denim

2010-03-13T17:06:00.004Z

Please God don't let this catch on. Double denim is back. Be very afraid. Seen here at Chloe, this is one 80's trend this child of the 80's won't be revisiting. What next? Shaggy perms and brown eye-make up? I'm only just becoming reconciled to bold prints on baggy trousers, which in any case, only suit slim people under 23. This are the kind of clothes which make you wonder what you were thinking when you see your photo 20 years on.

Skinted and Minted

2010-03-12T16:58:00.004Z

You may remember me raving about Chanel's limited edition Jade nail polish last summer. Only available instore (rather than at beauty counters), and for which there was a waiting list. It's still selling on eBay for over £100! So thank God that loads of cheaper alternatives have suddenly popped up; there's a slew of copy-cat hues now available: Revlon are bringing out a very similar shade called which they call 'Minted', but at just £6.29, you don't have to be. Of course, it's not quite as yummy, but at first glance, whose to know? Try also Nails Inc. in 'Haymarket', £10.50. Even cheaper is the M&S Essentials version, £2.50. Illamasqua have a range of on trend pastel polishes, including a mint green shade called 'Nudge'. £13 each or £39 for all four.

Galibardy

2010-03-10T12:04:00.005Z

I admired Fearne Cotton's knuckle dusters at the Brits, and now I know where she got that fabulous buffalo ring: Galibardy. And they're not expensive!

Fearne wearing the brass buffalo ring pictured, £25.
Chocolate slab necklace necklace, £12.
Honey I just love you for your pink Cadillac! Four finger enamel ring, £21.
Apple ring, £18. I had a plastic one like this, but the stalk fell out. This is better.
Twin guns necklace, £16.
Humongous stag ring, £18.

London A/W 2010

2010-03-08T11:36:00.028Z

Right. Finally, here's my LFW A/W '10 report. No doubt my extensive readership (ahem) won't be happy until The Understudy has spoken...

Burberry was the hottest ticket in town, with the most notable front row. I don't give a toss. Can't understand this fascination with the FROW. Jealous? I'd hate it. I'm much happier in front of my monitor in my nightie. Christopher Bailey is driving the 'Aviator' trend with practical boots, military greens and sheepskin lined jackets, which are now on everyone's wish list for next winter. Fashion has been ladylike for so long; it's always empowering to re-interpret menswear. Liked the way the show featured the girls and boys together too.

There's something of the dressing up box in Mary Katrantzou's historical prints. Try Military bombast with sashes and medals, make like a Restoration courtesan in painterly swathes of silk and satin, or transform yourself into one of those formal Elizabethan portraits where the wealth of apparel is of more importance than the subject. There are Napoleonic influences too, which in turn have their roots in the Classical World. And the glittering jumbo jewel prints are a feast for the eyes. It's all a delightful illusion of course; what you really have is a wearable, modern, funky day to evening dress which doesn't require the assistance of a maid or valet to slip on. Gosh, I'm on good form today...

Christopher Kane subverts florals on a black leather or pvc background. It's all pain-stakingly hand-embroidered and it's gonna cost you. Punk luxe in an English garden and another instantly recognisable look.

Wild thing! Love Maria Francesca Pepe's 'claw mark' print. And check out the chain trousers; this is becoming a notable micro trend, if you don't mind getting hooked on every door handle you pass.

Paul Costelloe's bouffant hair-dos had something of the Victorian about them, as did his 'Little House on the Prairie' Ginghams and sepia tints. An unlikely marriage of oil slick thigh boots and tweeds, combined with breath-taking tailoring.

Wanna be cutting edge cool? Then raid the stationary cupboard for one of those bulldog clips and wear it as an earring. Ouch! Failing that, stick a bag on your head. Works for me... This is Richard Nicoll btw...

Full Metal Jacket

2010-03-07T14:28:00.003Z

I'm crazy for this new take on Chanel's classic boxy jacket by Moschino. I'm also driven half mad by the price: £2,963.04 at Net-a-Porter. At that price I'd expect solid gold, not aluminium. Sigh.

This is War

2010-03-04T20:32:00.002Z

You're in the style army now girl:

The office is a war zone: Chale print blouse by Diane Von Furstenburg. Reduced from £229 to £158 at Matches.
Pencil skirt by Ralph Lauren Blue label, £270 at My Wardrobe.
This olive slip has got a kinda WWII thing going on. £30 at All Saints.
Amazing! A pair of harem pants which aren't vile! By McQ at Yoox, £195.
Cinch this wysteria/camo print Stella McCartney silk blouse in with a big belt, £445 at Net-a-Porter.
Soldier girls shouldn't totter, which is why I've eschewed some of the pseudo military sky high heels around at the moment. Stomp around in a manly fashion in these (pre-scuffed!!!) wool-lined boots, £74.99 at River Island.
The trench coat is an almost exclusively feminine item of apparel these days, so it's easy to forget it's WWI origins. Sportmax at Harvey Nichols, £675.
Faceted perspex bangle by Burberry Prorsum, £295 at Net-a-Porter.
Also by Burberry, a very utilitarian canvas belt, £195 at Net-a-Porter. Contrast with a luxurious fabric...if you can still afford it.
I've already got this fashion forward tan satchel from M&S, and I love it! Cross body bags are so practical and get you swinging your arms. They're also ideal if you've got a toddler. £29.50.
Ain't nothing military about this Malene Birger necklace, but it's a perfect compliment to the trend. £124 at Net-a-Porter.
Go off duty in this Renewal shirred waist army jacket, £45 at Urban Outfitters.
The NW3 range at Hobbs is really pulling this brand up by it's lapels; Georgia jacket, £169, teamed with croppoed chinos, £89.
A great canvas for statement cuffs and fiercesome shoes; this 'Killer' silk all-in-one is £125 at French Connection.
Going back in time with a redcoat style cardie, by Rare at House of Fraser, £45.
Stainless steel dog tag with cubic circonia stone by Zable at Forzieri, £55.38.
Brace yourself in this military green skirt by Diesel, now £25 at Yoox.
This Jena Military style Cornelli Jacket is just £15 from BooHoo. At that price, you can buy the red version too.
At the other end of the scale (well, off the scale really) is this 'heirloom' piece by Balmain, which costs almost five grand. It's so posh I've included a close up.
These Belstaf boots wouldn't go anywhere near my calves. £395 at Matches.
Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler? Dad's Army tee, £12 at Shot Dead in the Head.
This fabulous bomber jacket would be perfect for layering over pretty summer florals on chilly spring (or indeed summer) days, also by Belstaf at Matches, £735.
Classic Carrera Aviators at The Outnet, £53.64. As if you needed telling, the Aviator 'follow on' trend is going to be huge next winter.
I reckon even I could wear these Alexander McQueen cargo shorts. With thick opagues, natch. I'm not Olivia Palermo. I tried on a pair of navy shorts in 1988 and it was so traumatic I've not cared to repeat the experience. These are £495 at Net-a-Porter.
This Chapman city rucksack will last for so long you'll get sick of it, £125.
Jean Paul Gaultier gives us alternative gabardine, £109 at Yoox.

...or are you just pleased to see me?

2010-03-03T10:10:00.007Z

For the sartorial flasher: Isabel Mastache showcased a pair of men's trousers with a fabric penis and balls sewn on the front at Madrid Fashion Week. They swing to and fro in a revoltingly mesmeric fashion as the guy walks! If you've got a strong stomach, see them in action at YouTube.

Micro Trend alert: Roadkill

2010-03-01T11:03:00.006Z

Yikes! Can't see this look catching on. You can always tell when fashion goes too far, because the girls have a particular world weary look. Models for Topshop Unique at LFW sported huge bristling stick on eyebrows in the manner of my Dad. His aren't stick on, obviously. Get thee to a brow bar! The models this is, not my Dad... The collection also included cloven mittens, antlers and coats embellished with dead rodents. Rig...htttt.

Foiled

2010-02-28T11:46:00.000Z

For truly metallic nails, forget polish. Nail foils sound messy and fiddly and have the potential to look a bit chavvy, but avoid the leopard print, don't try and be creative, keep 'em short and don't aim for a flawless finish. They work a bit like transfers. Just go for plain gold or silver leaf and seal with a topcoat for space-age digits! Rio Nail Art Foils Gift Set, £24.99 from Amazon.